To Crissy (And anyone else who wants to know why I am the way I am)

I know you told me that this was mainly about Taylor, but I feel that their are some points that do concern me and I need to acknowledge that.

Simply Put: We are friends. We always will be.

Taylor and I do love you dearly, whether you believe it or not. A friendship isn't based on hanging out, or even on talking. I've never met my best friend and we talk for maybe 20 minutes a week, but I still know for a fact that he's my best friend and always will be. You're too insecure. Just because the ways we express our friendship has changed, doesn't mean that the love we have for each other has.

We have all changed, dramatically. Sure, we all used to hangout every weekend, and sometimes that was terrific and amazing. I can't speak for Taylor, but I'll let you in on how i've changed, so that you know and can interpret how I act.

I don't like people. In general, as a rule, I'm not too fond of being around my old friends. It's harsh. It's cruel. It's fairly rude, but it's true. So I made some new friends and clustered about my sister. Eventually, even that has gotten old. Now this doesn't mean that I don't still adore and cherish every single person that I've met and made friends with in my seventeen years of life. It just means, that sometimes I wanna tell everyone to Fuck off and leave me alone.

What I enjoy doing now is sitting at home and talking to Jeff, which is understandable because he is my best friend and, honestly, a very fun person indeed. And when that options not available to me, and it so often isn't, I like to sit in front of the tv, alone, and just watch whatever the crap comes on. I'm lethargic and apathetic, and that's a bad combination. So it is very, very hard to entertain you when you call me and want to "hang out." Because honestly, I don't. It's not that I don't like you anymore. It's not that we aren't friends. It's because I'm sick of doing shit I don't want to do. Just like you said you were. So you can hopefully understand that.

So, Matt, if this is the case, and you truly do dislike hanging out with people, why then do you ALWAYS go to your sisters?

Well that's a very interesting and valid question. Why do I always hang out with my sister? Because. She's my sister. I've known her my whole life. She knows me better than any of you think you do, because although I may have told you the stories of my life, she witnessed them with me. I love her more than I love myself, and there are few people I can say that about. So, I will always want to hang out with her because their are few siblings who have the relationship we have, and I will keep that as strong as possible.

This is a novel. I've written alot and I can't remember exactly what i wrote. If anyone is confused, or has questions about their relationship with me, please feel free to call me up or confront me face to face and tell me whats on your mind. Don't write a xanga, because i'm never on Xanga. I check it maybe twice a month.

So Crissy, If you're confused, or mad, or sad, or happy, or freaked out, or worried, or crazy, or apologetic, or not very apologetic at all and this didn't explain everything you needed from me, call me up. I won't talk for long, because that's not very interesting to me. But i'll try and make you feel as secure about my love for you, as I am in your love for me.

Just a quick note for ya: don't call me up wanting to hang out unless you have a plan. It's nothing against you, but I don't want to have to make the plans, because if I do, I'll plan to watch tv, alone. And don't call me if you have a plan, and not leave me a message,

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CALL ME AND DON'T LEAVE A MESSAGE!
I will not call you back. I will not wonder what you wanted. If it's not important enough to you that you can't take 30 seconds to leave me a brief message, then how important is it really going to be to me?

Crissy. You, Taylor, and I are a family. And like all families, we go through rough patches. That doesn't mean we don't still love each other. Sure Taylor and I are going off to college, but niether of us are leaving the city! Why wouldn't we still hang out with you?

So far this weekend has been amazing. Friday night was Crissy's birthday bash, which was pretty fun. My costume was Taylor. I looked amazing. Two shirts per boob damn it. I got to see Becky again which was awesome. I've really missed her since she went to college. I wanna watch Xena with her. I need Xena really bad. I've come to depend on her, because i'm always happy when I watch her. She's my role model. I'm going to try to be more like her.

Last night I had two parties to go to. Julie's Birthday Shindig and Laura's Drunken Craze. Last night was just amazing. Julie's party was so much fun, and Julie and Meghan D are two of my favoritest people in the whole world. And Jessi Dippy was there, and Mary, and Sterling!!!!, And rachel, and I got to see Devon again. And Oh, it was so much fun. The first thing Julie did when she turned 18 was buy porn. I walked into her room to find some crazy clothes to wear and I see "Elevator Copulators!" on the floor! So Jessi and Casey Gibbs grabbed the magazines and ran around the house throwing the pages everywhere. And we danced on lesbian and straight porn. Even thought Julie's not a gay. But she went to a gay bar friday night. I was so jealous.

At like 9:30 I went to Laura's which I was expecting to be like one of those parties you see in the movies. You know, loud music pouring out of the house, people throwing up all over the yard, alcohol EVERYWHERE. But it wasn't. And I liked it better. It was just me, laura, Jessi, Keri, Mary, Rachel, Kate, Eric, Natalie and her boyfriend Marvin, and Macky. We got to really dance then because we listened to the black persons music and thats really the only thing I can dance to. Keri and I gyrated like crazy. It was so much fun.

I love dancing more than anything in the world. It's so fun, and it's just fabulous. I wanna go again. Jessi said that TSI is re-opening or something. I don't really know what TSI is but under 18's can go there and dance, and that's all that I need to know.

At like 11:30 I came home, after getting Taco Bell for dinner, and Called Jeff and talked for four hours, and went to bed happier than I ahve been in a while. Last night was the best night ever. And Laura, in a drunken haze, made me promise that we'd go to Milano's together and start dancing in the middle fo the restaurant! We so will.

I loved it.

So, I quit my job. And what a surprise, I stopped thinking about killing myself. They were connected apparently. Nothing major has happened. School started. 4 AP's and one law studies and a chorus to boot. So far it's easy, just alot of busy work to do. I've been avoiding thinking about colleges because I seriously don't know which one to go to.

I tried out for the play today. I have mixed feelings. I sang really good...up to a point. And I think I read good. But I only read four lines. Which kinda makes me feel like they already handed out the good parts to people who are known for acting like Alex and David. But oh well. If I have a minor part, hopefully that means less practice.

Saturday Jeff called me. It was very refreshing. We talked for an hour and a half before he had to go. Guess what he had to do. He had to go call this girl that wants to fuck him. Her name's stacey but he's only used her name like three times. I don't like her. In fact, I loathe her. Stupid white trash bitch. After he talked to her though, he called me back and we talked for six and a half more hours. I went to bed at 6:30 a.m. sunday morning. My mom was already up and getting ready for work. I didn't realize until then that I was still attached to Jeff. I mean, I thought I was completely over it, and we were just best friends now. Well, we are just best friends now. But I think I still love him.

Well, I know I still love him.

But it took a bitch trying to take his v-card for me to realize it. But I'm not going to say anything to him. Or try and tell him not to do this girl. It's his life and he can do what he wants. The only thing that's changed is that I realize...I want to be the one to take his v-card. Oh well. I like that fact that we can talk for eight hours a night about how we did absolutely nothing that day. I make him laugh. He makes me laugh. It's a good friendship.

Whatev.